Sometimes we learn to deal with emotional distress with a distorted sense of responsibility. We can sometimes hold ourselves to perfectionistic standards at school, at home, at work, and in other activities. We often take on super-sized responsibilities early on, such as taking care of family members or working above and beyond. We see problems and feel compelled to fix them.

Even a child growing up with caring loving adults can feel overwhelmed by stress that leaves them feeling unsafe and insecure. They may feel in constant danger from thoughts and emotions they can’t control.

It doesn’t matter the cause, when our emotional experiences become intolerable, we need relief. We experience either intense reactions (hyperarousal) or struggle with feeling numb and dead inside (hypo-arousal). Without supportive relationships, we can often resort to behaviour that doesn’t serve us. We may use self-harm, alcohol, drugs, food or food restriction, sex or pornography, hyperactivity, people-pleasing, perfectionism or other behaviours that provide a moment’s relief.

In a strengths-based setting, we see behaviours such as substance use, self-harm, eating disorders, and perfectionism as desperate attempts to cope with trauma. They are not actions we should punish (or encourage in workaholics or over exercisers). We see the behaviour as symptoms of a person in pain, not the mark of a ‘bad’ person.

A strengths based-approach looks to understand how the behaviour makes sense, given our distress and/or limited resources. We see desperate efforts to survive as a strength that affirms our humanity and need for support and treatment.

A strengths-based approach accepts us as-is and affirms our innate need for care and resources.

This perspective:

Does NOT ask: “What is wrong with you?”

Asks: “What happened to you and how did you survive?”

Affirms: “Your behaviour makes sense, given what has happened to you.”

Learning to recognize and use one’s personal strengths is a transformative journey.